I wish.

(I reread this later on and was frightened by my behavior. Take in mind this post is me: incredibly upset, stressed and freaking out all at once. Please, no one get offended.) I don't know whether or not it's the fear of being alone or the fear of being a moron that makes me frightened.

My SAT score was too short of being accepted into any Florida college, so I thought, gee, why not try the ACT.

Great, I got high scores... Oh wait, ACT math... 16... I needed a 19.

Why am I upset? Because I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron as everyone seems to be more intellectually advanced than I am in mathematics, I'm stuck here not getting accepted into any Florida institute because of it.

What do I do? I don't know what to do.

I constantly feel like a moron to my friends, it's not because of something they say directly, but simply because of how they hold it or say they have gotten a certain score, now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I'm so sensitive to this sort of thing. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like my partner should be with someone smarter, someone more intellectually involved to support them.

I feel like I'm going to be at my moms house for the next two years going to Community college, when I wanted to go to a university, meet people and have friends and live my life with a great education. Why is this happening to me? Why can't anything go my way? I spent New Years alone, then find out I don't even fit the minimum for Florida College. Great. Just great.


I feel like trash. My confidence, though it may be great in some fields isn't when it comes to my intelligence. I used to be proud of my grades, I'm in all honors/AP classes and work my butt off, but I'm not good at tests, never have been, anxiety gets to me, and because of it, I'm not getting into College.

I just want to be normal. I just ugh. I'm not making any sense, am I? I'm freaking out and just typing away and this probably makes me seem like I'm crazy!? I wish I hadn't stayed at Booker. I wish I had left when I had the chance. I would've been smarter. I would've gotten accepted into College. I would've been good enough


 EDIT.


 10 minutes after writing this, I messaged Marina(Holly's Mother) she graduated from USF not too long ago and thus has been giving me advice. I sent this:

Douglas Kolakowski December 31 at 11:47pm

Hey, I got a 16 on my ACT math... Thats still too low. Marina, I wanted to be a freshman in a dorm my first year of college. I don't want to go to community college. Marina, I don't know what to do. I registered for the SAT one more time, but that doesn't mean my score will be higher or at 460, what if it isn't!? that means I'm automatically not eligable for college. I'd be screwed Marina... I don't know what to do. My moms being so unsympathetic about it and telling me that I shouldn't be upset. I don't want to be alone, living with my mom, in community college while all of my friends who keep getting amazing scores are in college meeting new people. I don't want that

and her reply:

Well, I wouldn't think of it as being bad for being a community college. I met some amazing, and incredibly intelligent people in MCC during my two years there (and some great professors!). See if you can study again and take the test again, but sometimes, we have to go to a community college and then to a University when we can get there. I got into USF immediately, even before the CLAST test, when I was half way through MCC, and my GPA from NYC was .080 (yes, you read that right....). Community colleges offer more diverse classes, and such. You can also seek other colleges around the state of Florida, it doesn't have to be State College of Florida.
There are loans, work study, and such to get you through when you get into a state college rather than a University.
Don't think of it as a failure, but think of it as a different route to your goal!!!

Happy New Year!!!


She honestly is right. I feel like an idiot for getting so upset and I need to realize there are tons of options I can take and or go for. Thank you Marina. :) I wasn't happy until 11:56 and after this had an amazing feeling of happiness by 11:58. Just in time to start off the New Year smashingly.

I'm going to get a better score and if I don't, eh, I can do other options. It doesn't mean I'm an idiot whatsoever and I shouldn't be comparing my score to other peoples. I'm happy and I should remain that way, my life is good. I need to realize this a little bit more.

Eh

I really hate moments like these, where:

My weekend plans go down the drain and become awkward,

my Friday night plans flake on me and leave me chilling in the mall by myself

my mother comes home and addresses me with "Clean the table off" and then addresses Ed with "Hi Honey!"


A lot of awesome things happened today, but a lot of things that just make me a bit upset happened too. I don't even know where to begin. I want to work out, but I also just want to sleep it all off...

I just have this alone feeling sometimes. Now I know I'm not alone, but when I have a bunch of friends, but none I can really trust, then it makes me feel alone. I don't think that sentence made much sense...

My Birthday.

You know, my birthdays have been very... Disappointing the last few years. Rethinking back to my 2009 birthday when my grandmother came over and attacked me to the point of tears, I'm very glad that I'm as blessed as I am this year.

My party was amazing! A lot of my friends came, some didn't, but the ones that did made the party amazing! They all got to meet a special someone and everyone was laughing and rolling on the floor at some point. "I'm climbin' in your window!" Seriously guys! Amazing! The main party gift was: money. Which isn't a bad thing! I need to get some shopping done and get myself some clothes anyways! I'm really happy for these gifts and people and I never even asked for them :) I love you guys

The day started off with many texts and phone calls and tons of hugs at home, each class I went into one or more of my friends had a gift for me, even during music theory when Khiel came in with a card, rose and cupcakes, I was completely surprised. I've never had friends do this at school, you know?

During the same block I got a phone call, but was told not to answer it, the voicemail left was one that really made me cry. Having your own choir friends, people that don't know me sing Happy Birthday for me is really amazing and I will certainly keep that voicemail for as long as possible.

I ate dinner art Olive Garden and even though my mother was telling the waiter how to do his job, my food tasted amazing. Salad, Chicken Parm. and Chocolate mousse cheesecake... Mmm. Then when I arrived home, I took my amazing shower and waited for the surprise of someone appearing in my room for the third time that week. Gosh, the birthday surprises that followed that... Phew!

Speaking of that person, do you understand how much you mean to me? The letter you made me certainly isn't a fail. I love it! It just took me awhile to put together! :P Every word you wrote/write to me, I always remember and store in that little memory cell entitled "Love." I can't express how much you made my birthday amazing and I love you for every little thing you do, whether you intentionally do it or not. Gosh, I hope this all makes sense for you! I wanted to repay you for the amazing birthday with our date night and I really hope you enjoyed that as well. You really are: my moon, my sun, my fire within.

My 18th birthday... Wow... It was amazing and I really loved every second of it. Especially the five or so hours at Church that I spent afraid, I still loved it! I feel like I'm missing some things from my birthday! I'll have to update as I go... Haha!

I'm Going To Be The Last One Standing.

I wish I could just type how I move. Communication would make so much more sense, instead of saying how I feel, I find it easier to move with my emotions; sadly, that isn't possible on this here blogging device.
My day has been incredibly weird. I've been angry most of it and it isn't for a particular reason. Maybe it's because I spent 556 dollars on a ring and 224 dollars on my Cap and Gown package. None of this are going to a car which I wish to obtain very very shortly. Either way my father said we could work something out where I use his car.

I found my driving dismorning to be very good, yet I felt rushed. I felt the need to get to school and get my stuff done. I have a ton of AP lit homework and HOPE, some other things that don't really count as homework but are more or so just things I want to get done, so obviously that means I got some work to do, yet at school I can't do my AP literature homework. I find it much more comfortable sitting in my room, quietly doing my homework at my own pace. No people running around. No people screaming everywhere. Just music and the things I wish to listen to.

I alway skip around with my posts, which I said I would try to get better at, but right now I just want to write and I have this feeling that it's just going to be a lot of skipping.

Oh... My day just got so much better.
Dynamite by Taio Cruz.

I don't know what the deal is, but with this song, I instantly feel so much better whenever I hear it. Maybe because it reminds me of so many great memories, or the fact that it itself is an amazing song, but at the moment it started playing, my expression changed. My lips lost their tension and moved up towards a nice grin, my eyes feel more awake and my head is no longer pounding to myself. Thank you Taio Cruz for this song and thank you Dynamite for the constant reminder of all the great things that I've seen/been apart of/near/kissed/loved while your song was playing etc.

I think I'm going to change the title of this post from "It's Gonna Be a Long walk" to "I'm going to be the last one standing" a lyric from the song itself.

Wow... My iPod Nano just has it out for me today. It really wants me to have a nice day. The next song on my shuffle--- "Memories of Skipping Stones."
You know who you are.
Thank you for existing. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for finding me.


Thank you.

Voce e u Collide.

I don't really have my poetry journal, so if I feel then need to write poetry: I sure as heck will write it here!


Every moment, shown through glimmering eyes.
Every thought, never anything more but another surprise.
The waters, they move and as they do so do our hearts.
My breath is taken as my beat continuelly restarts.

It doesn't shatter, but every moment causes it to stop and then quicken to a fast pace.
What is it racing for, what challenge are we going to face?
I step to you, you step to me, each step bringing us closer together.
Together, one unity.

I never know why I write poetry, sometimes it just happens. I place my hands ona key board and bam, I write. I almost never correct myself or fix a poem to make it better. I find inperfection in my work to only make it all around more improved... In fact I never reread my work, unless I'm dictating it to someone or turning it in as an assignment or something.

We can't afford it.

Why is everything so expensive?
Cap and Gown fees: 200-300 dollars.
Grad night: 95
Class ring: 400
College Applications: 30 dollars each
Sending SAT scores: 10 dollars each
School shirts: 30
That's not counting Christmas...

I'm almost thinking to myself that I don't want a class ring and I just want a ring as a present, but nooo, my mom says I NEED a class ring... Honestly I think it's just one more thing we can't afford. I would be so much happier with a plain ring that I could say "Hey my mom got this for me as a present" then saying "Hey, that's my Booker ring that is so bulky I might not wear it."

Two things.

I cannot wait for freedom.

That's such a broad statement, but what I mean by that is two things:

From Cinderella. The first musical and only musical thus far that I. Have. Hated. I don't know what it is about Cinderella, but I absolutely cannot stand it and can't wait for the freedom that is coming home every day for a few hours, going to ballet and Karate and hanging out with friends and people I hold dear to me. Not to mention this musical has to be the only one I've been in that Mr. Keys seems to just throw together, in my personal opinion it's a weird musical and everything is very lack luster.


Number 2: Having a car. It's not the constant pressure that is my mother, complaining and throwing at me how she drives me everywhere and never has a break that makes me want one. It's the ability to just decide: "Hey! I want to go out to this one place," Or "I want to go see some friends for an hour" and not have to worry about begging my mother or finding a way. I can just pick up those small metallic things that are keys and race out to my metal block, which would deliver me safely to my destination in 40 mph...

These two things should be coming to me in the next two-four weeks. Lets let them happen a little faster!

Why?

Why do I feel like this? Honestly, what is this feeling that creeps in my stomach, that makes me want to worry and makes me want to go on a rampage all at the same time. What is this feeling? I have no reason to feel like this. Ever. Ugh. I hate this feeling. It's terrible and disgusting and I feel like crap because of this thing growing inside of me.

Whatever.

Dear Birthday Boy!

Hopefully you found this after your LONG and VAST journey, not just from you reading my blog!
It's your birthday, how exciting! You're 17, well... You will be technically on a specific time I suppose, but today is your birthday so it doesn't matter anyways! You're one year from being a legal adult, how awesome is that! Now if you realized everything with the hunt had to do with something in our relationship! I was really clever about this, the people who helped have no idea!

So I know this isn't an amazing prize to your little scanvenger hunt, but I can't see you today nor did I see any of the helpers of my project, so I couldn't give them the real present.(Which you'll obviously get tomorrow!) I was so glad that you found this little hunt exciting and awesome, because frankly I thought it was nerdy and dumb, I just wanted to give you something special. This is afterall your birthday and you deserve to have the best day/week you can possibly have. I have some writtings for you to!

I want you to go home, assuming you're not home now. Take a nap, do homework(SOME!) and not stress about school at all! No worries tonight! Eat a wonderful dinner with your parents, open presents and hopefully get some well rested sleep if you haven't taken your nap! Tomorrow when we get to my house, I'll have two-three presents for you to open and another gift for you as well! I'm excited to see you and hold you like we always hold each other. Trust me, when you pull up at Booker, I'll be standing there with such a huge smile!

I guess I don't really know what to write, so I can't really say this is an amazing present after you solved the mystery that was your day. You're very special to me, remember that always. You're caring, compassionate, sexy(Lol... :P), smart, adorable and over-all the best person I could ask for in my life. I'm very lucky to have you. Stay Groovy. Have a wonderful birthday and be prepared for your gifts for tomorrow! See you soon!

 The day we met. Ignore my poor editing skills :P I'll make it cooler later!

I'm Afraid

It's 10:19 am... Normally I wait a few days in between posts(Especially since I posted only a couple of hours ago. Readers, don't forget to read the post before. I don't remember what I wrote, it's just important I guess.) But I feel like this can't really wait. I had a nightmare. That's not really a big statement, especially since dreams and such are very common, yet this nightmare, even though I don't understand it, just makes me tear up thinking about it.


Dream
(I'm going to try and describe it the best I can)
I was in Myakka, why? I have no idea. My father just dropped off my friend and I: Holly. We were going to stay with my Aunt, who was also the mom of a friend of Davis'(Which doesn't make sense, for this friends mom of Davis passed away last year, I never met her and why would she be my aunt? Also she looked exactly like Alana's mom....) I don't know why we were staying with her, but it was exciting and I was happy to go. She had a son the same age of me, but he was in New Jersey with Davis where they were supposed to live(They never lived in Myakka, so I'm wondering why his name came up and why it was his mom) Anyways, I made Brownies, but these were like super Brownies, they looked like loafs of bread. Holly was just happy to be there and after a few hours we sat down to Dinner and I don't remember if we prayed, but I know we spoke before we ate. Then she looks at me and brings up a very odd topic.
"I don't like you Doug."
Doug:"Wait, why don't you like me?"
"You're a terrible person."
Doug:"Wait, what did I do!?"
"You know what you did"

Now this was getting kind of weird and I just kept arguing about why she didn't like me.
Holly:"I think she's right Doug. You are a bad person."
Doug:"Holly what did I do!?"
Holly:"What haven't you done!? You have no one!"
This is where the "Aunt figure" got violent. She threw the dinner plates off the table and started shouting.
"I know what you did to my son when you were little! You made a fort in his room with him and your cousin! I know what you did! You took your blanket and made a fort!"
(Why this fort was such a problem I have no idea. I made a lot of forts with friends when I was little, even playing mommy and daddy with Holly, but I never did anything bad. So even though I never made a fort with Davis and them, in my dream I thought I did)
"Yeah I did! And you helped! You helped!"
She got up and ran out of the room and Holly just sat across from me looking at me with such intensity.
So I called my dad.
"Dad you need to come get me, Aunt ____ is teaming up with Holly and they're ganging up on me! Dad!"
"Everything will be fine, she's probably just made at something, stick it out" and the phone hung up.

She came back in the room and I just remember shoving her and keeping my distance, the stuff between this and the next thing was just arguing and screaming and then Holly and her both had knives. I was trying to defend myself, but the next thing that I knew they had jumped on top of me. Now oddly enough another man was there and he had a knife and Holly had a chainsaw. Now this sounds really comical... But it wasn't, the worst part was that the place this was all happening in was my mom's house. I remember clearly standing in front of the front door screaming as the man cut into my ankle, the blade ripping my skin as I tried to fight them off. I ran through the kitchen(Somehow) and into the garage screaming, bleeding and just trying to defend myself. I didn't know what to do, so I called my dad again as I placed my back against the door to keep my attackers from me.
"Dad! They're attacking me! I need you, come get me dad! Come get me! Please" I remember crying (I'm crying now even...)
My dad acted as if I was over-acting and sighed into the phone, there was someone in the back ground to.
"Yeah yeah, I'll come get you. It'll take awhile."
Then the voice in the back ground spoke
"Yeah he's in Myakka, it's a 30 minute drive. Doug just go watch t.v or something."
I started screaming into the phone that I wouldn't make it that long and that if he loved me he'd come get me and then he said "I won't come get you if you don't calm down! Nothing wrong is happening, get over it!"(Sadly enough he's said this before in real life) He then hung up the phone.
The banging on the door behind me got stronger and stronger and a blade came through the door next to my face. I screamed as loud as I could thinking I wouldn't make it and then---


End Dream
I opened my eyes. I don't know what this dream means, all I know is that when I woke up. I was frightened. I was home alone at my dads house(and still am) and just sat in bed waiting for my attackers to come busting through the door. I started crying. I've never been this afraid, well, not since I was a child. I don't know what I did, but they kept telling me I did something and it eventually led to my death. What happened, I have no idea. What I did, I have no idea. All I know is that to me, it wasn't bad and to them it was bad enough to kill me. Why did it look like Alana's mom? Why was the Aunt figure the mom of a kid I barely know, when his mother had passed away? Why was I in Myakka? A place I've been too once...
I got out of bed went into my fridge and ate pizza, literally that's what I did. (My dad and my mom both got pizza last night... They always some how have the same dinner on the same nights or the next night and it always bothers me.) I paced around the kitchen, no longer crying, but having this sense that I shouldn't be alone. So I IM'd Sergio's aim. It was around 9:05 then and I knew he was in church, so I didn't text him, but I just wanted to speak to him. So the IM worked, I was speaking to him in a sense without him speaking back, kind of like this blog. It really put me at ease to know I have such a strong wall to help me stand. I texted my mom asking if she was awake, hoping that this would be a morning where she'd want to pick me up early and take me to breakfast (Like she has done) but it's been an hour and 30 minutes and I've still had no reply.

I feel really confused and alone right now. I just want to go home(Even though this is a home) to my old house, the house we lost last year. Go into my room, where I always felt safe and just get under the covers and hide. The house in my dream was my own house... So I don't know what this means. Well, I don't know what any of this means, which is weird. I studied dreams in middle school and 9th grade (Since I had night terrors) and I can't interpret this dream. I have no idea what to think of it. All I know is, my mind is probably telling me that I'm regretting something.

Flashing Lights

You know... I sometimes look at other families and wish and pray that my own would be like that.

Sure, my family is stable now, after 8 years of fighting and abuse, my family is now stable and happy. My dad is single and alcohol free, my mom has an amazing man for a boyfriend and they both give me a lot of freedom and slack. They don't pressure me, but yet... I feel like that itself is a sort of abuse. I feel like them not pressuring me and constantly looking out for me is their attempt at telling me I need to get out of the house as soon as possible. When my mother is home, I spend all my time in my room. All of it. We don't even eat dinner together. With my dad, I eat dinner with him, but yet again I spend all my time in my room. Both of them are fine with this, why? I have no clue. Back when we were a happy family, when everyone wasn't fighting and when marriage was still holy in our family, we always made it a point to eat at the dinner table... Well then again, I also prayed every night... I was only five so I wasn't exactly sure why these things were important, but they had to be done... Then over time they slowly disappeared.

Now I'm not saying my parents are bad parents, they're not. They're amazing parents who want the best for me, I just wish I was someone else in a different family. I don't know if it's because I survived a potentially very harmful situation with my parents and their issues, or the fact that I just notice faults about people, but I just can't look at them the same way I did when I was that happy five year old who was oblivious to the nature they both had towards each other.

I long for the attention of my siblings, Christine and Frank to tell me they love me, to check up on me, but they don't. Sure this is expected, they're both over fifteen years older than me, but even for my birthday, Christmas, their birthday, Thanksgiving... No one talks to each other. It's like both of them don't want anything to do with me, well not me, but our family. Is this the fate of my family, to split apart after they mature to take care of themselves? If that's so, then why haven't I left yet? I just want them to tell me they love me... Now not like "I'm in love with you.." But that sibling love where you care for each other, they say it to me every time I see them, but I just can't say it back. I always just say "You too" etc, ways to avoid saying it was a complete sentence and I don't know why. Maybe it's the lack of a connection and understanding.

Now John, my dad's son. He would be my step-brother, I've seen him a total of maybe five times my whole life. His graduation(When I was 7) When he visited when I was 4, his wedding when I was 15... Okay three times and yet I feel like I have a better connection with him than Christina and Frank(My half siblings, yet I consider them full blood since I've known them since birth) Jennifer... Oh Jennifer, I've talked to her three times and I'll never consider her my sister. She's fighting with Charlie over whatever their issue is and she stopped calling me because she found out him and I were speaking, I'm staying out of that mess. Now Charlie's wife: Josephine. She has kids. They're all in their late 30's and whenever I talk to Charlie he always mentions "Oh your brother and sister this and that"... How could I call them my siblings, I've never met them, I have no connection with them, they'd be step-siblings if anything, yet... For them to be step siblings I'd have to consider Charlie my father, which I don't and probably will never do.
There are a lot of people I could consider my siblings in this world... six to be exact, whether they be half siblings or step, but the small factor is... Their still is no connection.

My cousins, the closest one I'm too is Davis and we're not even related... My mom's brothers and her have a "good relationship" yet they never speak and are always trying to one-up each other with their kids (sibling rivalry?) So I barely talk to any of their kids or my uncles... I've only talked to Davis and his family, people who are related to my dad! Not this amazing family that I know my mom has. Maybe I'm being dumb and thinking that I have no connection with these wonderful people, but in my eyes... I really don't. I don't feel anything for them. Sure I'd be worried depending on the situation they get in, but I don't make it apart of my life to think of them a lot; I've actually started considering myself an only child. I'm just confused.. I just long for the connection that I see people have, where they share rooms with their siblings, spend their birthday and holidays together, feel the need to be in their lives in some way, some how, just to be there. I'm not unhappy with my family, I'm perfectly content and I have an amazing relationship. So I know I have love for me and I have love for these people, I just wish ties with my family could be different.

I wish I could walk down the beach with my sister and her three kids. I wish I could go to Karate tournaments with my brother and his daughter, I wish I could have a family dinner with John, his wife and my dad. I wish that on Christmas, I had this list of people I could call and say "Hey, Merry Christmas, I love you!" These people that I wish I could have these relationships with, they've been replaced by my friends and their family (i.e Holly's family. I've called them for every holiday to wish them love...) I want to be able to eat family dinners with my parents, get dressed up and go out with them, watch movies with my mom, do something. I could try talking to my mom about this, but she'd probably say "Doug, you're over-reacting! Let me watch T.V I've had a long day at work" Yet again, this whole thing, I'm probably over-reacting.

I just wish my family ties were stronger than there currently are... I think I can change that, I think I can help them grow.

This is an empty post... Ignore it! I don't really know how to get rid of it...

What should I be doing?

I don't even know why I'm writing. I feel like I should post something, but I'm lost in words. I haven't read anything in awhile either. I should get around to doing that.

Sorry

You know, I'm not exactly sure how to say this.

I would first like to apologize. I'd like to apologize for my reaction to finding out what you had said and for the noiseyness that you are claiming I have. I may apparently do things to people I don't realize(Which you have told me several times) But you need to understand, how can I not do them if I don't realize I do them?
You're the only friend I've had who's ever said I was selfish or a bad person, all my other friends adore me and that's because I cherish my friendship. I still find away to check up on you even if I have you currently blocked on facebook. Now realize that our friendship turned sour, not because of my problems with MF, but because of the lack of trust I had in you.

I find this very adult like of me-By the way...
Sure I want things to be better, but honestly, I don't think they ever could. You tell me I shouldn't tell you how you feel, when you lie to me just to apparently make me feel better. It doesn't feel better, it makes me trust you less and assume more. I like to think of myself as a good person, I really do and it kind of stings to know I let our friendship get to the point of where it is now, but either way, you probably are doing fine without it anyways.

This is just pointless rambling, so let me explain myself. I didn't trust you and honestly that's not really your fault, it was just all the lies and assumptions and blame that you had put on me. Now don't say you didn't, because well... You did and I read about it in your blog. Remember: "Even when you blocked your blog, I still found a way to read it because I CARED". I think the last two words are pretty crucial.

I care a lot for my current relationship and I'm glad you haven't stepped in, I didn't think you'd be the type of person to ruin someone else happiness anyways. At this point, I could care less about materialistic objects, like my video game, but I've offered to mail you back your object and I still haven't gotten an address. I know you gave it to me once, but I lost it and asked again and never got it. I can't explain how I feel about this whole situation, just realize I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone. I just choose who I want to be around and I felt like our friendship was a bit unhealthy. It wasn't meant to last. I'm sorry you feel the need to say certain things, but you shouldn't. It doesn't effect or bother me, I've grown past that and even you know, I don't get upset at name calling.

I'm a happy person; I'm going to remain happy and I'm not an earlier you, I don't have any of the same habits you do. I've told you before that I dislike  being mean and even though I didn't intend for this post to be mean, I still feel like it is.

One thing you said to me, I'd like to thank you for it.

"He wouldn't go after me, I wouldn't be good enough."
"You are more then good enough, he'd like you in a second, he just hasn't met you yet."
Thank you.

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

Sorry- Maria Mena.

Everywhere I Go/The Book Of Eli

For once. For once, I have planned out a post. This post will consist of two subjects, "The Book Of Eli" and the rest will be of personal use entitled "Everywhere I go" The subject change will be separated by a bold line with the new title next to it. I apologize for anyone reading these posts, I realize they have been inconsistent and often skip around a lot. I will try my best to not let that happen and to still get my point across. Whoever is reading, thank you. 

The Book Of Eli.

Now, the movie has gotten mixed reviews. Some people called it a waste of their money or a waste of "An hour of my life" I am not one of those people. I honestly thought the movie was beautifully filmed and taken to a different world completely. I tried watching the movie while I was doing homework when someone recommended that I shouldn't and that I should pay full attention to the movie or it wouldn't mean anything. So I took a personal day on Wednesday and did just that, perfect advice. 

 

The film follows Eli, a survivor of a new era in which the world is burned and scarred. Throughout the movie he is shown to be fully capable of defending himself and saving others as long as he stays true to his path, now what exactly is this path? You notice Eli has been reading a book along his journey which you later find out to be the Bible. It turns out that the world was taken into a war in which the result was a hole in the sky being opened and the sun burning everything in sight. Only those who hid underground were the one's that would live to breathe a new day. Obviously this is referencing a third world war, nuclear attack and a hole in the o-zone layer.

Anyways, religion was thrown out of the picture right after war took place, people blamed Religion and made it their business to find and destroy every piece of literature pertaining to Religion itself, i.e The Bible, etc. 

Eli has in his position a King James Bible and throughout his journey he comes across the dictator of a small town known as Carnegie. Carnegie has the complete urge to find and obtain any Biblical source, not because he want's to destory it, but because he himself wants to read it and remember his childhood. The movie ends with Carnegie getting the Bible only to find out it is all in Brail. Eli himself was the new King James Bible, having memorized everything in it himself you realize he is a religious figure. He verbally dictates the teaching of the Bible to a man who has made it his life to find literature for the new world order, itself being the first Bible now in the world. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't really detail my description enough, but honestly there was too much to even think about writing and I'm sure I'd pretty much butcher it anyways. The filming was. Amazing. The acting was. Amazing. Mila Kunis (Meg Griffin, Jackie from "That 70's show") Played her first dramatic role and was. Amazing. The concept. Amazing. Everything. Amazing. It was not. Was not. A waste of an hour and fifty minutes to me, if anything it opened my eyes to a new experience.

 

 

 

 I realized I should get more in touch with my heritage and what it relates to with Religion, or I should study. I just want to know more about it in general and I don't really know how to obtain that. So I contacted my grandmother and this is what she said. 

 

"Well Douglas, you're of Catholic decent, but that has nothing to do with it. All the Religions are incredibly beautiful and I find them to be outstanding, I just found Catholic to be the beautiful one for me. Now I pray to six saints before I go to sleep, but there is one specific Saint that I pray to every night, he in a sense is our family saint. Saint _____. Now there's a reason behind this, your Uncle Ray when he was born had a very very bad type of illness. He as in infant had five pounds of water weight and we were told he wouldn't survive. I prayed to that Saint and then one day his illness just disappeared. Your uncle has lived a beautiful life so far without serious illness and you yourself have witnessed that. He spoils you and treats you as his son. Now, if you want to come over once a week, I can teach you what I know, but remember, you were baptized so you are a Catholic even without your communion, but if you begin your study, you can't give up. You'll never be able to marry in a church without your communion."

Now I really thought about this. I don't want to be tied down unless I'm ready for that sort of thing, but I just found it incredibly interesting how my Uncle's illness disappeared and my Grandmother tied that to her faith.
I have Rosery, a Saints bracelet, a model Crucifix, all of these things are in my room in some place and I've never taken them down because well, I don't feel like I should. I feel like I should represent my heritage and be proud and safe by it and that's what confuses me.

The Book of Eli in a sense kindled the want to know more about my heritage and more about what my Grandmothers Religion has done to influence her life and my family's.

Everywhere I go

Tuesday at Martial arts was a toughie. I had to teach and then my Sensei taught the last class of the night and what a work out that was. At the end of class he was talking about building warriors and I knew it was coming. 

 

"Doug, this kid was weak when he first came. I'd yell at him and he'd cry, I'd flick him, he'd cry. Now look at him! I can break a 2 x 4 on this kid and he's not even 18 yet! This kid is a machine, he'll keep going and I made him that way! If there was war in the streets, sure I'd be ready to snap someones neck, but I'd want Doug right there with me, because out of all the people here, I know I could count on him to protect himself and everyone else. He. Is. A. Weapon."

I don't really know how I feel about that. Sure I have confidence in my Martial Arts and frankly that has NOTHING to do with my titles or state championships. I know that if I were attacked, I'd defend myself to the death protecting whoever and myself, sure. A weapon? I just don't think of myself like that, I mean is that what I became? A weapon? Is that what's going to happen to me? I'm just going to fight and win until the day I die? What about art? 

My Sensei has gone to the point to ban dance, or art from me at the Dojo. I'm not allowed to do any of it or discuss it with anyone. Not to mention there was a point on Tuesday where we were doing a technique and he called me out and said 

 

"You're losing your kicks because of dance." 

 

I'm losing my kicks? That has nothing to do with dance, not to mention didn't he think I was terrible at dance anyways? I'm so confused, every thing I do is a bit twisted in the dojo currently, I'm either wrong or wrong or very wrong when it comes to my Sensei but as soon as my mom walks in he immediately puts his arm around me and goes 

 

"This is MY boy". 

 

My mom in the car was furious, she's very fed up with that family for some reason.

 

"His Boy, HIS boy? I should've said 'No, he's MY boy'"

 

"Mom... It's okay."
 

"No it's not, you're MY boy!"

I have no idea why my mom is getting angry with that.... I'll just have to let it play out and see where I go with it.

Things have been happening lately and honestly, I think they're highlights. I got cast in Cabaret(Third year in a row) and the cast was shortened. I knew I'd get in, but there's always some sort of small thing in the back of my mind that fills me with doubt JUST in case I happen to not make the cut. I'm proud of myself and glad I made it.

Now here's the big thing. I'm in a relationship. How wonderful and amazing is that?
 

"If you stop looking for someone, they'll eventually find you."

 

This is so true, we happened to stumble upon each other and honestly... I can't get enough. They're one of the greatest things in my day and I love spending time with them, they make me incredibly happy. They're sweet and smart and caring and ugh, time flies by with them and I never get enough. I'm not allowing. Not. Allowing. Any outside force to stop or hinder my relationship and they agreed as well. I'm just glad they took the leap and kissed me or we would never be where we were today. They just put a smile on my face. When I'm with them, my heart picks up very quickly and they even noticed. 

 

"Mr. Heart beat..." 

 

I don't just put that in my poetry, you know. 

 

"I love when I can hear your heartbeat."

 

Had to be the most sensual, adorable thing I'd heard. It was amazing and I'm glad I have them. We're going to continue to be happy together and nothing is going to change that.

I'm apparently a very optimistic person if you didn't notice!

Adieu------- Sayonara!

To build a home.

I have a lot to say... Well I did... Wow, I'm starting to forget it.

Here's some bullet points so I won't.


Patience.
Bioshock.
College.
Thoughts.


So BioShock. The whole theme behind both games is "Utopia." Humans found a type of slug, extracting the DNA and making a compound that can cause mutation and physical powers, now they placed these powers in an enviroment under the ocean called "Rapture" where only the Genius' can survive. Needless to say the "Adam" as they called it, became a source of money, greed and power and the "Eve" the powers created from "Adam" caused genetic mutations in the citizens, Rapture fell apart. The hero takes over trying to save the small girls known as "Little sisters" who extract "Adam" from the dead bodies of "Angels" (mutations).

The video game is beautiful, the artistry is amazing and the music is all late 40's radio. It's so great. Now, the concept is amazing to me. How even with the smart, the most civilized, the most prepared people in the world, greed still took over. They still lost. "Utopia" the "Garden of Eden" still fell to the greed of man. It seemed like such a beautiful concept and amazing theme to say to the world "Stop trying to make things perfect, let God make the choices" Honestly, with technology and cloning, sometimes I believe that statement. Some things shouldn't be tampered with, no matter how far it would send us into the future, it would always still end up in destruction and the end of some sort of civilization. Think, most video games, movies, books, are based off of it. Fallout(series), Bioshock(series) Mass effect(series) The Road. The Last Book in the universe.

Anyways, what made me want to go on that tangent is this: I used to write short stories, well not really. I tried writing novels, would get bored or something would come up and I would have to stop instantly, I would forget my work and before I could do anything about it, I lost it all(when my computer crashed in October.) Even if I didn't begin writing, I had outlines written on where I would start the story and where it would go, instantly enough, I have poems that could be related to a lot of the outlines. The poem "Everything A Human has" I wrote one stanza a long time ago, finished a few weeks ago. That's fine, but I had an outline from freshman year.
A villiage created to be perfect begins to have mishaps. People begin verbally attacking each other and blaming who took what or who made who disappear when the big shocker happens: A house vanishes. The town is in total shock as the two story home is discovered later on with everything in tact, but a different color. People discovering this begin to die, their strings being cut. The house was painted by it's creator, the man making a little villiage out of small puppets in his own basement.

The actual outline was completely different, but you get the picture. Those people, were just toys to a "God" someone who controlled their lives. My teacher loved the outline, I just never got around to writing it.
Anyways, the outline I found was a new version of Adam and Eve(Kind of), but in a sense that corruption took a new form. I forget everything else, I only found that sentence. I wish I knew what I was talking about.... Ah, I remember. It was the Garden of Eden, talking about how Utopia could easily be destroyed. That concept now has been so overdone, but no one sees the pattern. Utopia, it'll never exist. As humans, we have flaws, without them, we are not ourselves, we are not human. Listening to the second through fourth track on my little playlist to the right made me think of this even more.

Why do I feel like I need to build my own Utopia, a little world where everything is perfect around myself. I'm not saying now, what I'm saying (quoting a song lol) When I'm an adult, what will I do? There is no place I call a home, this is a place where I build a home. Now, you don't have a  home, which everyone experiences some time in their life. I took this a lot deeper than I wanted. For the longest time, I kept saying "I'm not going to be like my dad, I'm going to be a good father. My spouse will love me and we'll never be seperated." I'm saying all this because I in fact am afraid. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to be a good father, to be a good lover and to build my home, so in fact. I'm making this a sort of Utopia in my mind. That has to stop. I will be a good lover, not because I want too, but because if I am with someone, I am with them. I would never hurt them and that isn't just because of my "caring and nuturing" personality. My children, even if I am their step-father or something, I will never physically harm them, never in my mind would I do such a thing, I would love them as my own.



I have no idea why I wrote this. It doesn't make sense. Blaaaah. I need to stop watching weird movies!

But above all. I will build my home.

Hello Beautiful

Right now, that urge to go outside and scream just came back.

I wish, I wish so badly that I knew the answer, I wish I had the courage, I wish, ugh I so wish, I could help.
I wish I could say everything I've wanted to say, I wish I could express why I love this song so much. I wish I could stop thinking altogether. I WISH... Well, I'm not going there.

Wishing, we do it so often and sometimes I don't know what the deal is, but lately, I've been wishing a lot. I feel like in a sense one of my wishes is coming true and then I'm unsure. I'm so unsure because the other part of the wish hasn't fulfilled what needs to be done for this wish to occur and I don't want to try to fulfill it because... Well honestly, I think that would complicate things and WE ALL KNOW how the definition of Doug is "complicated". I wish it wasn't. I really do. I don't even know what I'm typing, I'm just typing and it's... It makes me think this complicated thing is dumb, it makes me want to forget it and get rid of it and then the other part is telling me to pursue and to take the first few steps. Gosh, I'm dumb.

My heart is beating quickly.
Its steadiness starts continues very fast.
Every little beat hits me harder.
As I ponder how you'll be in my arms in the final mass.
Soft touch, light skin, dreamed nights.


What a weird random poem I wrote....

Hello my beautiful
It seems I just can't stay away
It's been so very long
That I've felt anything this strong

You hold my heart the way you did an hour ago
I've said all I can say and yet I must be sure you know

[Chorus]
That I love love love you
I need need need you
I long long long to hold you in my arms again
I'm so so sad to
Ever hurt hurt hurt you
I'm more afraid of losing you than anything before

(heeeeey yey yeah oh…)
(Ooo-oh oh)

[Chorus]
I love love love you
I need need need you
I long long long to hold you in my arms again
I'm so so sad to
Ever hurt hurt hurt you
I'm more afraid of losing you than anything before
Please can I have one more…hello

For once, because of that word. I'm not ending with Adieu.

At This Moment

It's really interesting. I tried figuring it out, yet as always, I'm still  confused. I hope the answers reveal themselves to me very very shortly. In other  news, I had a really nice Friday night, I was terrified and excited most of the day,  but I'm really glad it went as well as it did.

It's so weird that today is the day. I mean nine years ago, I was in my third grade class taught by Ms. Miller. She looked really worried and kept saying how her brother was flying to New York and was terrified of flying, then the phone rang and she rushed to it and she looked so relived. She said her brother made it to his airport safely. Then I get home and my parents tried explaining to me what happened and for awhile I didn't understand it, the next year my teacher Mr. Demarco was a police officer that witnessed the accident. He put on a slideshow at our school for the one year anniversary and stated he lost his best friend. It's so weird, that we lost so many people and it was only nine years ago, because honestly, it feels like it happened before I was born.


It's really hard to express some things right now, all I can say is I'm confused. Not personally, but about certain subjects, like College, my Sensei, someone, things, I don't know? It's weird haha. I want to know these answers as soon as possible, but everything comes with time and patience. Apparently a lot of the minors from my Dojo placed within the top three and Tyler got second. I really should've been there, I wanted to compete at least a few more times or finish the season before I retire from the competition world. My voice teacher said Karate has a negative effect on my voice, my dance teacher said I can't do Dance AND karate, I need to pick one,because the technique conflicts with the other etc. What's going to happen when I go to college, I'm not going to be in Sarasota, I can't still be at the dojo. I'm not going to be a teacher forever. What am I going to do? How can I do it? Why are people constantly telling me to make a choice about everything right now? I really just want to make my own decisions and make one choice. This one choice that I think could honestly make the end of 2010 amazing, and this choice... Haha, I'm overreacting because I could just be over-analyzing it or over-thinking it... I have a habit of doing that.

Blah blah, I'm like tired and not tired. Like my eyes are heavy, but I'm not in that "I need to sleep, I have to sleep, I'm going to sleep" mode. I think I had an allergic reaction to something, so that's probably it haha. My dad asked me about College tonight and I was all "I'm making an appointment with my scholarship adviser and then I'll get back at ya!" Oh, I got a new DVD player! Woo! My other one kept pausing itself... It has a mind of it's own. I'm in much needed use of watching my favorite movies over and over again like always. :P

I always skip around in these posts >_> I just haven't been in that "Lets write about everything" mode and really I keep censoring myself about writing things because well, this isn't my livejournal.

My heart beats when you call my name
Every time you dial my phone it skips.
Sometimes small things make you appear and my mind
My hands are open with love and affection to give.
I figured this way just me being silly
Because in all truth, everyone in the world is.
But I notice now that some things could be true
We'd just have to experience us and live.

I found that the other day in my notes from school last year. It was a poem that didn't have an A, B rhythm scale and honestly I really like it. I wrote love poems for no reason and had no one to write them too, haha I'm sappy. I really got to find the rest of my poetry when I'm at my mom's house. I'm just hoping the really old stuff wasn't thrown away when I moved.

What did you think,
I would do at this moment,
When you're standing before me,
With tears in your eyes
Tryin to tell me that you
Found you another
And you just don't love me no more

And what did you think,
I would say at this moment,
When I'm faced with the knowledge,
That you just don't love me ?
Did you think I would curse you,
Or say things to hurt you,
Cause you just don't love me no more..

Did you think I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Oh come on you know me too well!
How could I hurt you
When darling I love you
And you know, I would never hurt you..

What do you think
I would give at this moment
If you just stay I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees,
I kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I'd fall down on my knees
Kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you
If I could just hold you
I would fall down, down on my knees
Oh God, please
Let me hold you, let me hold you
Again...

I'm gonna miss you, girl
I'm gonna miss you, girl

I can see the tears in your eyes, baby

I'm down, you know, I'm down on my knees

What do you think I would do, babe


Michael Buble's "At this moment"
Probably one of the most beautiful songs I have in my iTunes. It's great and so heartfelt and I don't know what it makes me feel, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. So many good things are happening right now and I don't want them to stop, I want them to progress and become something beautiful and some way deep inside I believe they will be beautiful and... Well, I just hope what I over-think will actually be true for once and I'm just not picking up things that I THINK are signs, that they actually ARE signs. I'll just have to be. Patient. Curiosity makes me want to know, now! :P


The Finale for this Seasons New Jersey House wives was so weird, it started with them fighting with Danielle... Like the whole season was and obviously that's entertaining. She kept running away and I swore Teresa was going to jump her bahaha. At the end Danielle, the girl who tried ruining each of their lives hugged Teresa and her eyes just instantly became "O_O" and then she hugged Jaquliene. Why would she hug Danielle? SHE'S SUING HER DAUGHTER. WHYYYYY. Anyways, you know that the situation MUST be uncomfortable when you're watching it on t.v and you yourself are getting uncomfortable. Dina left this Season and now Danielle left. Aw.... the next season might not be as fun..... Wow... Did I really just admit I watch that? Lost is over... So is SYTYCD for a year... Gray's Anatomy needs to come back on... Like now, I'm resorting to reality t.v with women fighting in my family's home state. I'm a Jersey kid :P Somehow xD
Adieu~
I need to start ending my posts with something new every week -_-;....

Collide

I realized tonight that I need to be a little more clear with what I write. It's coming off as something other than what I want it to be and I just need to be a little more careful.

In other words, I'm extremely confused. Like really. It's not like I don't get something, because oh boy, do I get it, but like the signs are so unclear, that's what's confusing me, haha. I'm just very unsure and I'd rather not make a fool of myself, psht, which I do often! I guess I'll have to let time play it out and hope it's what I think it is.

So am I just the only one who thought Tuesday was actually Monday? Curse you Labor day for messing up my sleep and school schedule! It's 2:23 am and I'm not asleep... I haven't done homework. I think I'm gonna try to go to beg by 4, that'd be lovely. I can function on two hours of sleep, but I can't with no sleep two days in a row! Plus, I'm missing AP Lit tomorrow, so I don't really think I need to worry about that essay until Friday. Darn you Guidance appointments, you and your College appointments, youuuu.

It's really weird, like when I have to do an essay, normally I can just BAM, there it is, but this essay HAS to be special and I know that if I put too much thought into it, it'll just be a "tried really hard essay". I mean, this essay depends on my life, right? I decided to pick the prompt "Some sort of Artwork that has influenced your life" and it's really tough, because there's so much art that's made me who I was. Obviously, I can't say a SYTYCD dance made me who I am, but I can certainly thank Dance itself, or something that I've been involved with for many years, like Music, or Karate, acting? I'm just so confused, like what do I do? I stopped playing Piano when I was 9-10, so I can't use that. Hmm, this is something that I'll really have to ponder.

In acting last week we had to each stare into a mirror and write what we saw. I did three poems, each being what I first saw. My hair and eyes was the first, the second time I looked up I saw Pamela in the reflection looking at me and she turned away suddenly, so I "poetically" wrote about how the more I turned my mirror the more windows and doors it showed into others lives and the last one was about. Scars. They've told me how proud they are of me for finally getting rid of my "severe" acne problem, I'm really glad because it was getting to the point where I was almost risking getting cast, or worse, not being in the program or Cabaret at all, but I still see the scars on me and I dunno, I just wrote about it. Anyways, they all came out nice, in my opinion and then we anonymously turned them in. He printed them out and we all read them to the class, I happened to leave mine in the file cabinet with my Mirrors packet... So I should bring it home tomorrow and tweak them and submit them on this ol' blog here. Get some sort of response :P

So I have something important to sa--- My fan.... I'm going to destroy my ceiling Fan. The light thingy, is a bit loose so every now and then it shakes and makes this awful noise and for some reason, IT'S ALWAYS WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP OR DOING HOMEWORK. Hahahaha :P That Ceiling fan hates me. First it rips my nail off, now it distracts me.

Apparently I'm cute and sexy! Yay! I can check that off my list xD
-Checks "get called some sort of attractive" off list-

I'm quiet, you know.
You make a first impression.
I found I'm scared to know, I'm always on your mind.
Well even the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shine.
And out of the back you fall in time, somehow find, you and I. Collide.
Don't stop here and I lost my place and I'm close behind.

Such a lovely song written by Howie Day.
Why do I ALWAYS listen to music when I write in you Mr. Blog?
Why is the sky blue?
Why am I talking to a blog... Wow I need sleep. Haha, hey it showed how silly I am. Accomplishment! Woo!

Adieu!

You and I

I really just want to walk outside, throw my arms up in the air and scream, like actually scream. I feel like it would so benefit me right now; of course my neighbors would think I was mentally insane or something.

Anyways, my weekend has been amazing, I didn't get to see Chris at work and I missed Ballet, I barely did homework, but the time I spent with friends was so great and honestly, I wish every day would  be more like that. Going out to eat with birthday girls, sitting in the park, climbing trees, seeing a movie with my dad, eating dinner with my mom, talking on the phone late at night with childhood friends, hearing from my sister. It all sounds so amazing and then... Annoyance happens, hmph, it always does.

I don't know whether to believe you or hold your words really tightly to my heart, but sometimes the things you say are so like fairy tails. I just don't think it'll happen anymore. If I could blame myself anymore than I already do, or take back what I did, I would, trust me, I would, but making me hope EVEN MORE than I do, is ridiculous. It'll get to the point where I won't believe in it anymore and I don't ever want that to happen.

I just want things to go my way for once, that sounds so selfish and I hate myself for saying it, but when will it be my time to shine in this "lime light" that someone else is always shining in? I don't know, maybe it'll happen soon, either way, right now. I'm happy and I want it to stay that way.

I have this bad problem. I make promises. Now, I know I can keep them, but something happens and I end up hurting the person and I just feel bad and I keep making these promises. When am I going to learn?
This isn't a long post. Shed some light on me, really.

Lady Gaga, I'm so glad you made such a beautiful R&B song.




It’s been a long time since I came around
It’s been along time but I’m back in town
But this time I’m not leaving without you

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me oooh
I’ll give up anything again to be your baby doll
Yeah this time I’m not leaving without you

Cannonball

Before I start, if anyone has been trying to post comments, I had it set for "Only registered users" and I realized that's well... Unfair, so now anyone can post, anonymous or not.


Besides the fact that I just walked into my bedroom door, for some reason, I have a lot to talk about now.

It's not that I feel a bit stressed as I do worried about trivial things. I'm extremely worried about my work load with school, which is hilarious because I have more than enough time to do all these things, I'm just a bit lazy and I'm very much so worried about my craft and how much effort I put into perfecting it. For some reason, whenever I show someone my dancing or singing, I always feel bad afterwords, like I regret it, like I feel like I could've done better or I did something wrong, or my performance lacked and then I realize, that's just me being harsh on myself because in truth, I am my worst judge.

So... Political Law? Where did my mother come up with that? I've NEVER heard her say that and she wants me to go into it none the less. I'm a little skeptical and I'm going to look into it, but I'm certainly not deciding on my major right now. I want to find it myself, whether it be dance, music theory, Literature or Child Psychology, it's always going to be up to me and I'm glad I have that freedom to decide, but wow, haha, what a surprise. It's a better suggestion than my grandmothers "Be a teacher, you're good at it!" idea!

I'm listening to my "cute" little iPod, which I call cute because literally ALL of my friends have an iTouch, which haha isn't that important to me, I'm happy with  my purple little contraption. Anyways, I'm listening to my iPod and I do have the whole Damien Rice album, but that was only because I NEEDED the bonus track of Prague, clearly I didn't want the whole thing, haha, but sometimes I hear a song and go "How did THAT get on my iPod" and like it and it happens to be part of that album. As I was typing this, a neat little line came from Damien Rice's song "Cannonball" and it goes "Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to lie, life taught me to die. So it's not harmful when you float like a cannonball" What an interesting line! Obviously cannonballs don't float :P Which makes me want to go more in depth with the song and understand every little thing he's trying to say. So far I'm getting that he had to win back a lover and it's pretty beautiful. So I started singing with the chorus and then it changed and became even better. "Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to cry. So come on Courage, teach me to be shy. Cause it's not hard to fall and I don't want to scare her, cause it's not hard to fall and I don't want to lose, and it's not hard to grow, when you know that you just... Don't know." Honestly, I'm extremely impressed with this song right now, I for sure recommend.

So I realized nothing is coming to mind, I started off wanting to speak and now... It's gone. My posts really seem to be all over the place, don't they?

I always get into moods, like not angry or sad or something, like in the mood to listen to a specific song or watch a specific movie. Donnie Darko, I was so entranced that I needed to find where I put that DVD and when I watched it I found out why I needed to remorse myself in that brilliant concepts and film that is that movie. The whole movie the boy is trying to find who he is and by the end of the movie sacrifices himself for the one's he truly loves. What a huge step to take, risking one's own life(In a sense going back in time to stop him from meeting the people he loved) so they would never encounter the things they did while in his company. Such a brilliant movie and by the end, he knows who he is and what he has to do, how lucky of him right? Out of all the people in the world, this character was given to liberty to find his purpose before the age of 18. Anyways, I really want to watch "Spirited Away" and of course... I don't own that movie, I'll have to figure something out, haha.

I really need to personalize this more, add a picture slideshow or more artwork, something, you know? Right now I have like five songs and that just isn't enough to outwardly express who I am, if anyone has any ideas, sure, let me know!

I'm listening to Sideshow now. "I want." This is the song where Terry decides that he DOES want one of the Hilton Twins, but like Buddy doesn't want to go after it because of their condition. So he sings about how he wants her alone and all to himself and nothing between them, then there's a dance sequence and him and Violet share a dance(without her twin sister attached) then he realizes how it'll never happen and her twin rejoins her, I don't know. This song sort of speaks to me and always has, not because of my feelings towards someone, that isn't it at all. It's the bond they had mentally without even expressing it that amazes me and honestly, I wish one day I can come across that as well.

"An obvious connection,
I tried to push a side,
Into the corner of the darkest shelf. We'll never be alone.
And my feelings can't be shown, so I tried to imagine and replay,
all the things, I'll never get to say. Your wrapped up with another, tangled and in twined. I invent a separation. In the private conversation. In. My. Mind. I resolve to say it all, that I am and haw and stall, for how can I come clean or confine. Someone else is ALWAYS at your side. I want. I want. I want to tell you. I want. I want to get you alone. I need. I need. I need to tell you, I want you for my own. If we could steal a moment, would you be so inclined, to accept an invitation to the private conversation in my mind."

Then she comes in, sings back and they enjoy a dance only for him to realize everything. Such a heart clutching moment.

I had a really nice morning, it was a lot of fun haha. I'm really tired now though, I went to bed at 7 pm last night, then woke up at 12, showered, ate, watched T.V went to bed at 2, dogs woke me up at 4, laid in bed in that "Half asleep state" until I got a text at 8, then I scrambled to get dressed haha. I don't know what to do with the rest of my day! I missed ballet and I'm tired, so I should nap or something, but I figured, I could always do that homework... Or get my permit... I'll probably touch base with that soon and do some college research. Sounds good to me. I'm really excited for a nice weekend. Finally. EDIT: I ended up doing my Virtual school final and did poorly, it brought my grade from a 99 to an 89, DISLIKE, I messaged my teacher begging for a second chance. Tomorrow I'm gonna do some college research and start typing my summer assignment(Due in October, weird, right?)

Gosh, this blog doesn't show how silly I am.

Adieu.
Might I add I've for some reason started ending my posts with "Adieu" obviously this is French! But what I didn't know was that the word "Adieu" is in a sense the French version of "Godspeed" meaning "Leave with God at your side" I had no idea that simple word had such a nice beautiful meaning, how gorgeous.

Long Story Short

There is so much anger that I want to outwardly express on this blog right now, but obviously, obviously I can't.

All I have to say is, it's better to be honest and that I'm glad Summer 2010 is over with. I gained two friends, lost two friends and one of them I cared about with so much power, but hey, they want you to disappear, that's what they want. UGH GREAT.

Weather Storm

I've been thinking a lot lately and of what has recently been said to me. I love all the people that have said these things, but I don't really know if they realize what they're saying.

"Because of me, Doug has grown into a strong man"
"Doug took my class and look at him now."
"I raised him right."
"I made him who he was and now he can do anything, he will always be able to protect himself"
"You get along with him because you've been hanging around me too much."
"You're good because we worked together and understood everything."
"After you took my lessons your voice has become amazing."

These things are, sure, amazing to hear, but does anyone else see the problem here? All these mentors to me are crediting themselves for my growth. Sure, they're part of the reason I'm who I am, but are the really THE reason, did I have no part in this? I give credit for them guiding me or helping me when they did, but when they tell other people that, it really bothers me, I mean, I worked for my black belt, I practiced at home and trained twice a day until I got it, I practice my ballet at home, I write at home, I sing to myself and record and listen back, I try to better myself to be who I want to be, don't I get credit for that as well? I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting, but I just don't want to lose my identity because I feel like someone else made me who I was. Sort of a dumb thing I guess. I think too much and I swear that'll be my down fall!

I really like this song and honestly I don't know why... Because I hated it with a fiery passion the first time I heard it. "The Snow Abides" by Antony Hegarty. His voice is very, I don't know, 40'sish kind of like a radio sound and then the piano comes in, the small chime, the way he says snow, the violin, the song all of sudden is me and I can't quite understand it, but I tried dancing to it. I can't. I stop every time. It's too perfect for me to try to make some crappy movement. Sometimes I want to make something so amazing that I can't because... Well I'm trying and I inspiration and art is random and spontanious! One part of my improve, I really like, I just can't figure out anything else. If this goes well and I figure it out, it'll be one of my auditions for January!
"Like an Angel falls, past I saw your eyes... Tonight. Falling clouds drifting like stars. Ten, twenty years where would you sleep? You move for the sun, lie down and blossom." None of it makes any sense, then you listen to the song and the atmosphere and to your inner being, it all makes sense. It's not one of those songs you could really verbally elaborate on I suppose, but I really like it. It's in my playlist on this page! Listen to it!

Davis and I are gettin' a little weird. I find myself becoming a bit impatient with him, because he's become a very judgemental person and worries a lot about his image, even if I don't live there and do something he doesn't like, he lets me know, but he's not letting me know for my safety, it's for his reputation. So tonight he IM'd me on a picture I had posted asking "What was up with your weird pictures, I don't like them" and I kind of just told him off and said "What's wrong with it, is there really going to be a problem? Why are you constantly attacking me Davis?" and I think he finally realized that it was bothering me and said he'd talk to me later when I calmed down. I feel bad for him, because now his anger has become outward and he's slowly beginning to take it out on other people(Not just me, I noticed how he acted towards people when I was in New Jersey) I'm really worried about him and I want to help him, but he doesn't want to be helped, he's just that kind of person who wants to figure everything out on his own and I hope he does. Soon, because he's beginning to suffer.

I was debating posting this, it's just not finished yet I suppose, but I feel like it's needed. I don't know, psht!


Everything A Human Has

I sit in a room, hard as stone.
My thought process fought this feeling of being alone.
My pose stays the same and so does my figure.
The sound of your voice in these halls still linger.
These pictures and podiums aren't enough,
Without you, I'm just in this room stuck with all this stuff.


I'm alone, without you , no one can see me.
Why I'm stuck in this torture it's beneath me.
I'm just a sculpture, yet I want everything a human has.
I see every move you make and take,
and I always feel it when my heart begins to break.

I don't know why I wrote this, but it was just boredom I suppose haha, I wish it came out a little better than I had liked. I'm having an okay week right now, I'm having a lot of alone time and talking with friends I never thought of talking with, I'm also becoming friends with someone new, who values a lot of the same things about art and it's, I don't know, refreshing to talk to someone who understands the bigger picture as well. Oh boy, I was trying to send videos to someone and I didn't realize I hadn't switched aims yet, so I was aiming it to the new friend on accident when they said they were going to bed, so they messaged back saying goodnight once more and man oh man.... I was really embarassed. I don't know why! I think I might've come off a tiny bit annoying, haha! I tend to do that, I just don't want to annoy anyone! I'm so glad I have Cassandra, Joann, Jennifer and Kourtney in my Econ. Hon. Class. They were my favorite beautiful girls to talk with and I've never had them all in one class together and needless to say they keep me happy every day! I love you guys! I'm pretty much in love with my senior schedule and I hope I fall in love with this year, I want this year to be next to perfection(Since that's obviously impossible to obtain) But then again, anything that happens was meant to happen and I'll be happy either way. So I put off my AP Literature homework, because it was a "short story" yeah... 15 pages of small font short, so I better get working on this soon, oh procrastination!


Fifteen minutes later and I'm finished reading that novella. Honestly, it was a little annoying. The characters had gotten into a misunderstanding, one shot the other and they seemed to be okay, they started to drive him to the hospital, but the shooter and their mutual friend kept stopping to deal with their own problems, it ends with the wounded man saying to himself "I'm going to the hospital" and the story finishing with "He was wrong, they took a wrong turn quite awhile ago." Now what do I get from this story? That his childhood best friends are killing him? I don't really understand the deep point behind this story and that's what we're supposed to see. One line spoke out to me though "If I were to die, it'd be burned at the stake" Being burned to death probably seems like one of the most gruesome deaths yet. There's a point where you eventually stop feeling the pain, but everything before, every inch of your well being is going through torture, I would hate to die that way, on the other sense drowning seems to be the most frightening way of death to me. That sense that you can't breathe is already unbearable and incredibly uncomfortable, to lose my life that way would be insane, of course I've seen several tv shows where both types of deaths are discussed and honestly: there is no better way. No better way at all. I just thought that was a little interesting.

So it's 1:11 in the morning and I haven't worked out since last tuesday, I'm still gaining muscle, but I just haven't done anything besides Ballet. Holy cow, will I be out of shape come Thursday for Karate! I feel like getting my check, not saving it(Like I planned) and spoiling myself with some cheap gift this weekend, no clue why. Oh well. I realized that I had started this post with an overall theme and it turned into an "Everything" post. I don't like that, hah, I promise I won't do that in the future.

Adieu!

The Snow Abides

Relief- Chris Garneau

I saw the sea come in.
I saw your good old friend.
He walked right past;
I'll never ask, I'll never ask again.

I saw the sea come in.
I saw your good old friend.
He walked right past;
I'll never ask, I'll never ask again.

I love the way you dance we can work it all out.
Don't you miss your chance;
The pain will all grow out.
Ooooooo...

I heard your good old word;
I heard the things you said.
They shuffled in
Asked me to sin, asked me to sin in red.

I heard your good old word;
And I also heard the things you said.
They shuffled in
Auf Wiedersehen, auf wiedersehen, goodnight.

I love the way you dance
We can work it all out.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Don't you miss your chance;
The pain will all grow out.
I didn't go to see the city:
I went to see it around you.
We could laugh in hell together;
The devil will find you too.
Ooooo...

Nose to nose eyes all closed...
This is what I said "we never ever end."
Nose to nose eyes all closed...
This is what I said we never ever end."

I saw the sea come in.
I saw your good old friend.
He walked right past;
I'll never ask, I'll never ask again.



This is to someone... Well, special I guess. I'm just going to start this off with a poem.

Honestly, I don't know what to do.
I look at our pictures and can't stop thinking of you.
Your smile so amazing, chills everytime.
I know I was dumb, I stepped out of line.
I wish I could let it all could just disappear,
Let us go back to a better place in time, when you held me so dear.

Every moment wasted, it's all thrown away,
I'm happy that you're happy every day,
Even though you choose to rid me from your life,
I still think of you as my buddy, someone I held so tight.


It's not the best, but I wrote it in my crappy math class that currently doesn't have a teacher, I don't know why, but in all honesty it is true. I miss you every day, the conversations we had, your humor, everything and it hurts to know you don't miss me back. You apparently felt bad for what happened, but you let it and I... I just wish I could take it all away and make sure we were good again. One day, I hope you forgive and forget and take me back. Even if you "hate me" I'm always going to have your back and I'll always protect you, you just gotta let me when the day comes. I'm truly sorry, I really am. I thought it was weird that something was posted today and for a second I thought I was the reason, but I'm glad I'm now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSKtATJNGY8




Adieu old good friend, our friendship died before it truly blossomed.

Growing Up

So, obviously I'm growing up, I mean everyone constantly is aging and there's no possible way to stop this sort of thing. Anyways, I took a nice picture today and realized it's.... almost exactly the same as a picture I took freshman year. Funny thing is, I look so much older.

Freshman Year:

Senior Year:

Ruthless Gravity

It's really odd how I end up looking at these in all different manners.

I see something and assume and for some reason I believe it gets the best of me, I have no idea why I do this to myself, but hey, it's just a trick of the mind. Sometimes it won't have any such thing to do with me or If don't notice, it's all about me. How do I come to solve such a thing like this? I'm quite confused myself. Maybe I find that I need to know things so badly and to an extent that I myself put my own life into these confrontations allowing me to understand and live the situation, or maybe I'm just dumb, haha.

I can't really explain my passion for the things I love or where it came from, I can only go after each of them and rush to the finish line before it's too late. A lot of the things that I find very beautiful in my life can only be done at a young age and for some reason I just now realized that. I should have been more focused earlier and I should have been more dedicated before any of the recent events happening happened. I regret everything and I'm scared someone will find them and hate me for it or something ridiculous like that. Honestly, in this situation I have no clue what to do, I can only hope things go well and for the best and that I'm just being dumb and overreacting or something like that, or maybe not.

FTC(Florida theatre conference) Booker high goes every year taking the first show that gets cast in too compete("John lennon and Me" was the last one too win and since then we haven't taken a piece) So this time instead of taking an actual show to competition, we're writing our own as a senior class and bringing it to show the world, we've already obtained our theme "Mirrors". Now Mirrors are a very interesting thing, if you walk towards a mirror going for something in the reflection, you're walking away from it, yet still walking towards it. Mirrors show all flaws and never lie and there are so many superstitions with mirrors that it's ridiculous how odd it can get. Anyways, we've started our ideas on what to do and making a title on the actual show, it should be really cool and I'm excited for it, truly! I'll talk more on that as more goes on, so expect updates.

In all truth, I don't know what to write at all, I'm trying to get my personality across as best as possible while portraying haha,.. Proper manners.

I guess I'll leave it at this and come back when I know what to see.
Adieu!