Just one Moment More

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I know I love you, you know I love you, I know you love me, you know you love me.
Yet, I feel like we aren't being true to each other, if that makes sense? We're being so true, that there's a possibility we're not being true. What we've been doing is hurting me, so I can only assume it's hurting you the same and for the I apologize. I feel ashamed of my actions to speak to you and thus I force myself to sleep earlier than I normally would so I won't "ignore you", instead I literally don't get your messages.

I feel terrible, I feel like six months went to waste with how I'm acting and how we never celebrated our six month, how you wrote me letters and drew me an amazing picture, everything and I feel like I didn't appreciate it enough, I didn't appreciate you enough. I feel like I wasn't good enough and everything I did will only make everything worse for you. You're not happy, though you say you are, your blog which I understand is therapuetic to write in like you do, is filled with sad things currently and this is where I'm failing you. I want to be able to hug you and kiss you and lay with you, but as of right now, to me, that might be the wrong thing to do. It might be playing with each others feelings too much, it might be hurting us.

I have no idea what I'm doing or talking about and I think it's very much noticeable. I'm sorry you were angry at me before, I didn't mean for you to be, but I wasn't ignoring you or talking to someone else and I'm sorry you got so upset, I'm upset too. I really am.

I'm really scared, you must see it. I'm afraid of what I've become and I'm even more afraid of what you're feeling and what will happen to you.

I don't know what you're feeling, you change your feelings so often, I really get confused, but all I know is deep down even if you don't admit it, you're hurting and it's my fault. I'm sorry.
I always feel like there's so much more that I want to say, but I can never remember...

On the first day

It's honestly really weird.

For awhile, I was extremely sad, my friends waited for me outside of the theatre knowing that I was going to come in an emotional wreck and thankfully, I made it there okay. Everyone was very kind to me and one of my friends took me out to dinner in an attempt to "cheer" me up. The kindness people show me is really incredible sometimes.

I felt like it never happened. I would sit down and wonder how your day was and realize that we weren't together anymore. It's almost shocking to me and saddening at the same time. I still love and care for you and thus, is my reason why I called, but hearing your voice and knowing it wasn't the voice that would say things like "I love you" to me in person anymore hurt.

I don't know what's going on or what I'm feeling, all I know is I still have feelings for you...

I don't know what to do, right now I just need space and time

That self revealation hurts more than anything

Please

Please don't be mad. Please.

Sorry

There's just so much going on. I want to continue holding you and tell you I love you, I just don't know how true I'm being to myself. Right now is the time where I just need to be alone and think, it only hit me last night about my sisters death and I ended up with one hour of sleep...

I just don't know what to do
It kills me that you're not happy right now.

I'm sorry I had to ruin our sixth month.
I'm so sorry.

You're so amazing, I hope you realize
I just don't know if I deserve you anymore and I just think we might be going in two different directions, literally and figuratively.

Lets just let time tell. Please, lets just let time tell.

I'm so sorry

That Home

There's so much I want to write about... So much I need to write about.


But where to begin? Where should I start painting my feelings on this blank canvas? Will my feelings be worth the while? Currently I think not, even though I'm extremely happy with a certain situation, it just makes me more confused on the kind of person I am and the future I'll be holding. I mean, either way, it seems like an amazing future, PLAN A, B or C are all good choices and honestly I love every one of them...

But which one is the choice I'm MEANT to choose?

Am I meant to do something that was a failed dream? Should I be afraid of this failed dream?
What if I was supposed to do it and this is God giving me another oppurtunity?

What do I do?
What can I become?

Explain... Someone tell me. What. Do. I do...