I wish.

(I reread this later on and was frightened by my behavior. Take in mind this post is me: incredibly upset, stressed and freaking out all at once. Please, no one get offended.) I don't know whether or not it's the fear of being alone or the fear of being a moron that makes me frightened.

My SAT score was too short of being accepted into any Florida college, so I thought, gee, why not try the ACT.

Great, I got high scores... Oh wait, ACT math... 16... I needed a 19.

Why am I upset? Because I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron as everyone seems to be more intellectually advanced than I am in mathematics, I'm stuck here not getting accepted into any Florida institute because of it.

What do I do? I don't know what to do.

I constantly feel like a moron to my friends, it's not because of something they say directly, but simply because of how they hold it or say they have gotten a certain score, now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I'm so sensitive to this sort of thing. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like my partner should be with someone smarter, someone more intellectually involved to support them.

I feel like I'm going to be at my moms house for the next two years going to Community college, when I wanted to go to a university, meet people and have friends and live my life with a great education. Why is this happening to me? Why can't anything go my way? I spent New Years alone, then find out I don't even fit the minimum for Florida College. Great. Just great.


I feel like trash. My confidence, though it may be great in some fields isn't when it comes to my intelligence. I used to be proud of my grades, I'm in all honors/AP classes and work my butt off, but I'm not good at tests, never have been, anxiety gets to me, and because of it, I'm not getting into College.

I just want to be normal. I just ugh. I'm not making any sense, am I? I'm freaking out and just typing away and this probably makes me seem like I'm crazy!? I wish I hadn't stayed at Booker. I wish I had left when I had the chance. I would've been smarter. I would've gotten accepted into College. I would've been good enough


 EDIT.


 10 minutes after writing this, I messaged Marina(Holly's Mother) she graduated from USF not too long ago and thus has been giving me advice. I sent this:

Douglas Kolakowski December 31 at 11:47pm

Hey, I got a 16 on my ACT math... Thats still too low. Marina, I wanted to be a freshman in a dorm my first year of college. I don't want to go to community college. Marina, I don't know what to do. I registered for the SAT one more time, but that doesn't mean my score will be higher or at 460, what if it isn't!? that means I'm automatically not eligable for college. I'd be screwed Marina... I don't know what to do. My moms being so unsympathetic about it and telling me that I shouldn't be upset. I don't want to be alone, living with my mom, in community college while all of my friends who keep getting amazing scores are in college meeting new people. I don't want that

and her reply:

Well, I wouldn't think of it as being bad for being a community college. I met some amazing, and incredibly intelligent people in MCC during my two years there (and some great professors!). See if you can study again and take the test again, but sometimes, we have to go to a community college and then to a University when we can get there. I got into USF immediately, even before the CLAST test, when I was half way through MCC, and my GPA from NYC was .080 (yes, you read that right....). Community colleges offer more diverse classes, and such. You can also seek other colleges around the state of Florida, it doesn't have to be State College of Florida.
There are loans, work study, and such to get you through when you get into a state college rather than a University.
Don't think of it as a failure, but think of it as a different route to your goal!!!

Happy New Year!!!


She honestly is right. I feel like an idiot for getting so upset and I need to realize there are tons of options I can take and or go for. Thank you Marina. :) I wasn't happy until 11:56 and after this had an amazing feeling of happiness by 11:58. Just in time to start off the New Year smashingly.

I'm going to get a better score and if I don't, eh, I can do other options. It doesn't mean I'm an idiot whatsoever and I shouldn't be comparing my score to other peoples. I'm happy and I should remain that way, my life is good. I need to realize this a little bit more.

Eh

I really hate moments like these, where:

My weekend plans go down the drain and become awkward,

my Friday night plans flake on me and leave me chilling in the mall by myself

my mother comes home and addresses me with "Clean the table off" and then addresses Ed with "Hi Honey!"


A lot of awesome things happened today, but a lot of things that just make me a bit upset happened too. I don't even know where to begin. I want to work out, but I also just want to sleep it all off...

I just have this alone feeling sometimes. Now I know I'm not alone, but when I have a bunch of friends, but none I can really trust, then it makes me feel alone. I don't think that sentence made much sense...

My Birthday.

You know, my birthdays have been very... Disappointing the last few years. Rethinking back to my 2009 birthday when my grandmother came over and attacked me to the point of tears, I'm very glad that I'm as blessed as I am this year.

My party was amazing! A lot of my friends came, some didn't, but the ones that did made the party amazing! They all got to meet a special someone and everyone was laughing and rolling on the floor at some point. "I'm climbin' in your window!" Seriously guys! Amazing! The main party gift was: money. Which isn't a bad thing! I need to get some shopping done and get myself some clothes anyways! I'm really happy for these gifts and people and I never even asked for them :) I love you guys

The day started off with many texts and phone calls and tons of hugs at home, each class I went into one or more of my friends had a gift for me, even during music theory when Khiel came in with a card, rose and cupcakes, I was completely surprised. I've never had friends do this at school, you know?

During the same block I got a phone call, but was told not to answer it, the voicemail left was one that really made me cry. Having your own choir friends, people that don't know me sing Happy Birthday for me is really amazing and I will certainly keep that voicemail for as long as possible.

I ate dinner art Olive Garden and even though my mother was telling the waiter how to do his job, my food tasted amazing. Salad, Chicken Parm. and Chocolate mousse cheesecake... Mmm. Then when I arrived home, I took my amazing shower and waited for the surprise of someone appearing in my room for the third time that week. Gosh, the birthday surprises that followed that... Phew!

Speaking of that person, do you understand how much you mean to me? The letter you made me certainly isn't a fail. I love it! It just took me awhile to put together! :P Every word you wrote/write to me, I always remember and store in that little memory cell entitled "Love." I can't express how much you made my birthday amazing and I love you for every little thing you do, whether you intentionally do it or not. Gosh, I hope this all makes sense for you! I wanted to repay you for the amazing birthday with our date night and I really hope you enjoyed that as well. You really are: my moon, my sun, my fire within.

My 18th birthday... Wow... It was amazing and I really loved every second of it. Especially the five or so hours at Church that I spent afraid, I still loved it! I feel like I'm missing some things from my birthday! I'll have to update as I go... Haha!