It's so hard to bring myself to write this. I'm constantly thinking about it and hoping I know what to say, but in the end, not knowing what to say... I think about you all the time, thinking about hearing the song "Take me the way I am" by Ingrid or listening to Collide. You're always in my thoughts and right now my head is filled with dark things. I'm stuck in this hole and I can't blame anyone but myself, but others have had apart of it. I was just played emotionally by two people, one being Tyler and the other being a childhood friend, but now I'm left broken and confused while they walk around feeling accomplished. I realize that people saying they love eachother can't be real and in a sense I've lost all faith in my feelings towards anyone. I've been taking my meds and trying to stay positive while they work, but I just end up looking at peoples walls and crying or getting upset because of things that other people have said about me. I realize I'm not a liked person and that I've done terrible things and that people hate me, but all I want to do is accomplish things and be a good person all I want to do is be happy. You were my first boyfriend, my first in bed, my first love and I still feel for you and knowing that I ruined your view on relationships and people hurts me even more. What happened between us was wrong and I so eagerly wish I could win you back or have you be excited to see me, to have you run into my arms or to have you laugh at something with me, to look into your eyes like we used to or to have you lay with me, you laying with me was one of the best things I've had and I don't even know why I was the way I was. I was hurt and damaged and slowly feeling like dying, but now, now I'm past that. I feel like death is knocking on my door every day and its my only way of escape. That me taking my life would make everyone happy with me for once. I'm too much of a coward though. My physical therapist said I have five years, five years before I can stop walking and the more I dance the more likely the years will be shorter, which means soon I really will have nothing. I can't say anything to make you love me or to take me back or for us to be happy with each other, I wish I really could. I still find myself remembering how beautiful you were and how we were always happy until my depression started to kick in. Tyler was there for me and for some reason I thought he was the only way out, even after he cheated three times and then broke up with me because I was "too much to handle" I still felt like it needed to happen. I needed to realize I was despensible and that I could be easily thrown away, that no one cares about me. People are constantly attacking me and then saying things like "Don't think everyone's out to get you" but by this point, it feels way passed that. I'm slowly crying my life away and hiding in my room trying to find an escape, trying to find someone to be there for me. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I'm scared that everything I did, every thing I wanted was just dumb and that I'm a bad person waiting to happen, that me as a human is a failure, that I am a failure. I don't know what to do.
