"Because of me, Doug has grown into a strong man"
"Doug took my class and look at him now."
"I raised him right."
"I made him who he was and now he can do anything, he will always be able to protect himself"
"You get along with him because you've been hanging around me too much."
"You're good because we worked together and understood everything."
"After you took my lessons your voice has become amazing."
These things are, sure, amazing to hear, but does anyone else see the problem here? All these mentors to me are crediting themselves for my growth. Sure, they're part of the reason I'm who I am, but are the really THE reason, did I have no part in this? I give credit for them guiding me or helping me when they did, but when they tell other people that, it really bothers me, I mean, I worked for my black belt, I practiced at home and trained twice a day until I got it, I practice my ballet at home, I write at home, I sing to myself and record and listen back, I try to better myself to be who I want to be, don't I get credit for that as well? I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting, but I just don't want to lose my identity because I feel like someone else made me who I was. Sort of a dumb thing I guess. I think too much and I swear that'll be my down fall!
I really like this song and honestly I don't know why... Because I hated it with a fiery passion the first time I heard it. "The Snow Abides" by Antony Hegarty. His voice is very, I don't know, 40'sish kind of like a radio sound and then the piano comes in, the small chime, the way he says snow, the violin, the song all of sudden is me and I can't quite understand it, but I tried dancing to it. I can't. I stop every time. It's too perfect for me to try to make some crappy movement. Sometimes I want to make something so amazing that I can't because... Well I'm trying and I inspiration and art is random and spontanious! One part of my improve, I really like, I just can't figure out anything else. If this goes well and I figure it out, it'll be one of my auditions for January!
"Like an Angel falls, past I saw your eyes... Tonight. Falling clouds drifting like stars. Ten, twenty years where would you sleep? You move for the sun, lie down and blossom." None of it makes any sense, then you listen to the song and the atmosphere and to your inner being, it all makes sense. It's not one of those songs you could really verbally elaborate on I suppose, but I really like it. It's in my playlist on this page! Listen to it!
Davis and I are gettin' a little weird. I find myself becoming a bit impatient with him, because he's become a very judgemental person and worries a lot about his image, even if I don't live there and do something he doesn't like, he lets me know, but he's not letting me know for my safety, it's for his reputation. So tonight he IM'd me on a picture I had posted asking "What was up with your weird pictures, I don't like them" and I kind of just told him off and said "What's wrong with it, is there really going to be a problem? Why are you constantly attacking me Davis?" and I think he finally realized that it was bothering me and said he'd talk to me later when I calmed down. I feel bad for him, because now his anger has become outward and he's slowly beginning to take it out on other people(Not just me, I noticed how he acted towards people when I was in New Jersey) I'm really worried about him and I want to help him, but he doesn't want to be helped, he's just that kind of person who wants to figure everything out on his own and I hope he does. Soon, because he's beginning to suffer.
I was debating posting this, it's just not finished yet I suppose, but I feel like it's needed. I don't know, psht!
Everything A Human Has
I sit in a room, hard as stone.
My thought process fought this feeling of being alone.
My pose stays the same and so does my figure.
The sound of your voice in these halls still linger.
These pictures and podiums aren't enough,
Without you, I'm just in this room stuck with all this stuff.
I'm alone, without you , no one can see me.
Why I'm stuck in this torture it's beneath me.
I'm just a sculpture, yet I want everything a human has.
I see every move you make and take,
and I always feel it when my heart begins to break.
I don't know why I wrote this, but it was just boredom I suppose haha, I wish it came out a little better than I had liked. I'm having an okay week right now, I'm having a lot of alone time and talking with friends I never thought of talking with, I'm also becoming friends with someone new, who values a lot of the same things about art and it's, I don't know, refreshing to talk to someone who understands the bigger picture as well. Oh boy, I was trying to send videos to someone and I didn't realize I hadn't switched aims yet, so I was aiming it to the new friend on accident when they said they were going to bed, so they messaged back saying goodnight once more and man oh man.... I was really embarassed. I don't know why! I think I might've come off a tiny bit annoying, haha! I tend to do that, I just don't want to annoy anyone! I'm so glad I have Cassandra, Joann, Jennifer and Kourtney in my Econ. Hon. Class. They were my favorite beautiful girls to talk with and I've never had them all in one class together and needless to say they keep me happy every day! I love you guys! I'm pretty much in love with my senior schedule and I hope I fall in love with this year, I want this year to be next to perfection(Since that's obviously impossible to obtain) But then again, anything that happens was meant to happen and I'll be happy either way. So I put off my AP Literature homework, because it was a "short story" yeah... 15 pages of small font short, so I better get working on this soon, oh procrastination!
Fifteen minutes later and I'm finished reading that novella. Honestly, it was a little annoying. The characters had gotten into a misunderstanding, one shot the other and they seemed to be okay, they started to drive him to the hospital, but the shooter and their mutual friend kept stopping to deal with their own problems, it ends with the wounded man saying to himself "I'm going to the hospital" and the story finishing with "He was wrong, they took a wrong turn quite awhile ago." Now what do I get from this story? That his childhood best friends are killing him? I don't really understand the deep point behind this story and that's what we're supposed to see. One line spoke out to me though "If I were to die, it'd be burned at the stake" Being burned to death probably seems like one of the most gruesome deaths yet. There's a point where you eventually stop feeling the pain, but everything before, every inch of your well being is going through torture, I would hate to die that way, on the other sense drowning seems to be the most frightening way of death to me. That sense that you can't breathe is already unbearable and incredibly uncomfortable, to lose my life that way would be insane, of course I've seen several tv shows where both types of deaths are discussed and honestly: there is no better way. No better way at all. I just thought that was a little interesting.
So it's 1:11 in the morning and I haven't worked out since last tuesday, I'm still gaining muscle, but I just haven't done anything besides Ballet. Holy cow, will I be out of shape come Thursday for Karate! I feel like getting my check, not saving it(Like I planned) and spoiling myself with some cheap gift this weekend, no clue why. Oh well. I realized that I had started this post with an overall theme and it turned into an "Everything" post. I don't like that, hah, I promise I won't do that in the future.
Adieu!
