Wake up.

My mom has cancer. My dad is losing his house and I'm working full time with school and two jobs AND sending all that money to both parents.

Why would I spend that time I already have trying to contact you from a private number?

You told me once "If you really have no one to talk to. you can contact me." WHICH I tried to ONCE with my number NOT BLOCKED.

I am not attacking you. I did not cheat on you. I am not a horrible person. I did nothing horrible to you and if I did I apologized and said I regretted it. You also did horrible things.

So why would I be calling you multiple times with a blocked number? If you don't answer, I don't care. I wouldn't try to call again. Stop attacking me all the time. Stop judging me. Stop being a hateful person, because, I absolutely know, you're not.
Obviously nothing I can say would let you believe me, but just STOP being a jerk. Just let me live my life and stop attacking me.

Happy late Birthday

Remember Fond things.
Like your birthday last year or what I got you for Christmas, or the countless dates I took you on.

Run

It's so hard to bring myself to write this. I'm constantly thinking about it and hoping I know what to say, but in the end, not knowing what to say... I think about you all the time, thinking about hearing the song "Take me the way I am" by Ingrid or listening to Collide. You're always in my thoughts and right now my head is filled with dark things. I'm stuck in this hole and I can't blame anyone but myself, but others have had apart of it. I was just played emotionally by two people, one being Tyler and the other being a childhood friend, but now I'm left broken and confused while they walk around feeling accomplished. I realize that people saying they love eachother can't be real and in a sense I've lost all faith in my feelings towards anyone. I've been taking my meds and trying to stay positive while they work, but I just end up looking at peoples walls and crying or getting upset because of things that other people have said about me. I realize I'm not a liked person and that I've done terrible things and that people hate me, but all I want to do is accomplish things and be a good person all I want to do is be happy. You were my first boyfriend, my first in bed, my first love and I still feel for you and knowing that I ruined your view on relationships and people hurts me even more. What happened between us was wrong and I so eagerly wish I could win you back or have you be excited to see me, to have you run into my arms or to have you laugh at something with me, to look into your eyes like we used to or to have you lay with me, you laying with me was one of the best things I've had and I don't even know why I was the way I was. I was hurt and damaged and slowly feeling like dying, but now, now I'm past that. I feel like death is knocking on my door every day and its my only way of escape. That me taking my life would make everyone happy with me for once. I'm too much of a coward though. My physical therapist said I have five years, five years before I can stop walking and the more I dance the more likely the years will be shorter, which means soon I really will have nothing. I can't say anything to make you love me or to take me back or for us to be happy with each other, I wish I really could. I still find myself remembering how beautiful you were and how we were always happy until my depression started to kick in. Tyler was there for me and for some reason I thought he was the only way out, even after he cheated three times and then broke up with me because I was "too much to handle" I still felt like it needed to happen. I needed to realize I was despensible and that I could be easily thrown away, that no one cares about me. People are constantly attacking me and then saying things like "Don't think everyone's out to get you" but by this point, it feels way passed that. I'm slowly crying my life away and hiding in my room trying to find an escape, trying to find someone to be there for me. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I'm scared that everything I did, every thing I wanted was just dumb and that I'm a bad person waiting to happen, that me as a human is a failure, that I am a failure. I don't know what to do.

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all i've done

And i can barely look at you

But every single time i do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak i understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think i might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do

Light up light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak i understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Light up light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak i understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Say what?

I haven't really posted much in awhile. I keep forgetting that I used to write about my life and instead use this space to vent with no control.

I'm graduating high school tomorrow... Er, well today and I'm so excited/ nervous I can't sleep. I iron'd my gown and everything, I can't believe it's happening...


To top it off I'm wearing my class ring, my grandfathers ring, my key, my Flight of the lawnchairman charm and my senior necklace. I think I'll look great.

The tie was given to me as a graduation gift by Keegan's mom... I barely know them and they're possibly the sweetest.

A lot's been going on in my life, probably too much to type, but I'll probably get around to it eventually.

Thanks for sticking by!
Class of 2011! We came in '07 to bust out in 2011!

When I first met you 
I felt like I had known you forever, 
telling you my secrets 
and what I didn't want ever. 
you listened to me 
I bet you thought I'd never end, 
who would have thought 
we would become more than just friends. 
Over a period of time, 
I got to know the real you. 
A boy so caring and gentle, 
with a heart so true. 
You've survived your life 
with hurt and loneliness by your side. 
I told you I'd never leave 
because of the feelings I have inside. 
I know you 
like no one I have ever known, 
and sometimes I wonder 
what I'd do if you were gone? 
So I have decided 
time answers all. 
If it is meant to be 
time will remove the wall. 
I love the way we are together, 
you can always make me smile. 
Will it ever really be forever? 
I guess I will have to wait awhile. 
Time will reveal, what lies ahead 
but always remember 
what I have said. 
Meeting you has changed my life 
and I really love you so, 
the feelings I feel for you 
I am never letting go. 
Remember me always 
and I will too. 
I always think of 
me and you

I can't message you videos, you have me blocked.
So I don't really know how to get in contact with you...

This girl was the first person sent into Las Vegas from the Atlanta auditions for SYTYCD this year...

I thought you'd love her...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKnflvBjUwo&feature=channel_video_title

I didn't lie to you. My sex life is personal, just like it was when I was in a relationship with you and thus it shall remain that way.
You've changed into a cruel hurtful person. I'm none of those things and I do have friends. I cherish them, I don't throw them away like you. I don't hurt people, nor do I expect you to believe me. If you ever loved me you would've listened to my words instead of someone else, since you'd do anything to be justified.
I hope you find happiness in your two new potential love interests, Austin or Michael would be suitable for you.

By the way, if you actually paid attention to me, you'd realize it was the senior theatre recital. I didn't have to trick Tyler into seeing it, he was in it.

Also, those nights when I "ignored" you. I was at dance. At work. ASLEEP. Not at the computer. I wasn't there. When I'd see them would either be first thing in the morning or when I awoke and you wouldn't be awake. Remember?

"Im going to kiss Austin"

By the way, you never gave me the chance to apologize. If I did, you probably would've said it was too late, even though I had no clue what I did wrong.
Then I called you in the morning, you thought I had ignored it? No. I was asleep.
You don't realize the things you do, do you?
It doesn't matter anymore, I still keep my arms open for you. You're still the person I think of when I look at the moon, even though the shine of kindness and heart has left your eyes.

I really hate this feeling. I hate the feeling where you feel like someone doesn't really like you and everything is a lie. Or that they're feeling something else and not telling you.

I really hate that feeling >:

Feel

I often find myself (in my strange moodswings) feeling this way late at night.

What's it take to be attractive? I mean, not the attractive where people just open their mouths and gawk at you(That'd be nice too...) but the attractive that just has that naturally drawing nature to it.
The attraction where you just see the person and want to step towards them. How can you obtain that?
I'm constantly changing my looks, changing and buying clothes that fit, are too big, aren't me at all, to become something I don't even know I am.

What will it take to get that feel. That inspiring feel I get when I look at people. Who knows?

Stay. Out.

Might I throw out there.
I'm not ruining the life of anyone, nor am I lying. You're dreaming.

If I don't deserve him to you, who does?
You once said Tyler didn't. etc any of his other ex's

Is it you?

Also, tell me, since you obviously know everything about me, my business, my life. Everything.
How can I be a better person? Since in your eyes I am not one, but in the eyes of the people I love and that love me, I must also not be one.
I should ask them, all my Pine view, Booker, Work, Dance friends. I should ask them if they like the kind of person I am and I'll get back to you.

But as of now, tell me, how can I be a better person?

Stay out of my business.
Or I'll get in yours.

What.

Do I go to Oakland University, get a whole new life, experience college, double major in dance and something else?


Or do I go to community college over the summer and first semester and transfer to University of Tampa or continue until I can transfer into USF...

What do I do? Do I want to stay near home or not? I'm having constant mood swings about this and it sucks. Will they wait for me if I go to Oakland, what's keeping them from cheating? What if they find someone else...

What do I do?

What do I do.

The worst part about College is choosing one. I have no clue where I want to go or what I want to be, I know I want to do Musical Theatre, okay, I know I want to dance... Okay... I know I want a career besides that... Okay... So does this mean 8 years of school and where? Do I go to different university's? Do I just do a career choice and do community theatre and studio work?


Would I always just be stuck in a studio etc?

I don't know if I want to be a professional dancer, obviously with my new diagnosis(via doctor) I can't be a dancer for ever, or long and as musical theatre goes, I'm not normally that talented when it comes to that. The saying goes "There's always someone better than you" and it's always very very apparent with me.

I just really don't know, I really don't know. I considered doing community college for two years and trying to figure everything out, but that's still a rough and tough choice. Would I regret that?

Oakland's dance program had nice halls, yet, they're primarily Modern based. I don't really like modern... They teach Jazz and ballet, but yet again, I wouldn't be getting a lot of strength in that.

Their musical theatre program, I have yet to hear back from and apparently it's a really good one, where they set up the seniors for success, but, do I want that. Do I want to dual major in those two programs and not have a career if I gain weight, get in an accident, lose a leg, etc. What do I do?

I'm in a constant mood of up and down trying to figure out what to do and it's effecting me way too much.

Just one Moment More

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I know I love you, you know I love you, I know you love me, you know you love me.
Yet, I feel like we aren't being true to each other, if that makes sense? We're being so true, that there's a possibility we're not being true. What we've been doing is hurting me, so I can only assume it's hurting you the same and for the I apologize. I feel ashamed of my actions to speak to you and thus I force myself to sleep earlier than I normally would so I won't "ignore you", instead I literally don't get your messages.

I feel terrible, I feel like six months went to waste with how I'm acting and how we never celebrated our six month, how you wrote me letters and drew me an amazing picture, everything and I feel like I didn't appreciate it enough, I didn't appreciate you enough. I feel like I wasn't good enough and everything I did will only make everything worse for you. You're not happy, though you say you are, your blog which I understand is therapuetic to write in like you do, is filled with sad things currently and this is where I'm failing you. I want to be able to hug you and kiss you and lay with you, but as of right now, to me, that might be the wrong thing to do. It might be playing with each others feelings too much, it might be hurting us.

I have no idea what I'm doing or talking about and I think it's very much noticeable. I'm sorry you were angry at me before, I didn't mean for you to be, but I wasn't ignoring you or talking to someone else and I'm sorry you got so upset, I'm upset too. I really am.

I'm really scared, you must see it. I'm afraid of what I've become and I'm even more afraid of what you're feeling and what will happen to you.

I don't know what you're feeling, you change your feelings so often, I really get confused, but all I know is deep down even if you don't admit it, you're hurting and it's my fault. I'm sorry.
I always feel like there's so much more that I want to say, but I can never remember...

On the first day

It's honestly really weird.

For awhile, I was extremely sad, my friends waited for me outside of the theatre knowing that I was going to come in an emotional wreck and thankfully, I made it there okay. Everyone was very kind to me and one of my friends took me out to dinner in an attempt to "cheer" me up. The kindness people show me is really incredible sometimes.

I felt like it never happened. I would sit down and wonder how your day was and realize that we weren't together anymore. It's almost shocking to me and saddening at the same time. I still love and care for you and thus, is my reason why I called, but hearing your voice and knowing it wasn't the voice that would say things like "I love you" to me in person anymore hurt.

I don't know what's going on or what I'm feeling, all I know is I still have feelings for you...

I don't know what to do, right now I just need space and time

That self revealation hurts more than anything

Please

Please don't be mad. Please.

Sorry

There's just so much going on. I want to continue holding you and tell you I love you, I just don't know how true I'm being to myself. Right now is the time where I just need to be alone and think, it only hit me last night about my sisters death and I ended up with one hour of sleep...

I just don't know what to do
It kills me that you're not happy right now.

I'm sorry I had to ruin our sixth month.
I'm so sorry.

You're so amazing, I hope you realize
I just don't know if I deserve you anymore and I just think we might be going in two different directions, literally and figuratively.

Lets just let time tell. Please, lets just let time tell.

I'm so sorry

That Home

There's so much I want to write about... So much I need to write about.


But where to begin? Where should I start painting my feelings on this blank canvas? Will my feelings be worth the while? Currently I think not, even though I'm extremely happy with a certain situation, it just makes me more confused on the kind of person I am and the future I'll be holding. I mean, either way, it seems like an amazing future, PLAN A, B or C are all good choices and honestly I love every one of them...

But which one is the choice I'm MEANT to choose?

Am I meant to do something that was a failed dream? Should I be afraid of this failed dream?
What if I was supposed to do it and this is God giving me another oppurtunity?

What do I do?
What can I become?

Explain... Someone tell me. What. Do. I do...

why

There's so much to say, so much, I want to say...

I don't want this to be your post, Christine. My sister, the woman who babysat me and who used to call me her "Bubba" and her my "Sissy."

Why? Why did you have to go?

I love you Christine, our hearts are weeping without you here. Mom, Grandma, Frank, Alex, Gabby, Ali, Caleb, we all want you here. We all love you. Please... Why did this happen?