Flashing Lights

You know... I sometimes look at other families and wish and pray that my own would be like that.

Sure, my family is stable now, after 8 years of fighting and abuse, my family is now stable and happy. My dad is single and alcohol free, my mom has an amazing man for a boyfriend and they both give me a lot of freedom and slack. They don't pressure me, but yet... I feel like that itself is a sort of abuse. I feel like them not pressuring me and constantly looking out for me is their attempt at telling me I need to get out of the house as soon as possible. When my mother is home, I spend all my time in my room. All of it. We don't even eat dinner together. With my dad, I eat dinner with him, but yet again I spend all my time in my room. Both of them are fine with this, why? I have no clue. Back when we were a happy family, when everyone wasn't fighting and when marriage was still holy in our family, we always made it a point to eat at the dinner table... Well then again, I also prayed every night... I was only five so I wasn't exactly sure why these things were important, but they had to be done... Then over time they slowly disappeared.

Now I'm not saying my parents are bad parents, they're not. They're amazing parents who want the best for me, I just wish I was someone else in a different family. I don't know if it's because I survived a potentially very harmful situation with my parents and their issues, or the fact that I just notice faults about people, but I just can't look at them the same way I did when I was that happy five year old who was oblivious to the nature they both had towards each other.

I long for the attention of my siblings, Christine and Frank to tell me they love me, to check up on me, but they don't. Sure this is expected, they're both over fifteen years older than me, but even for my birthday, Christmas, their birthday, Thanksgiving... No one talks to each other. It's like both of them don't want anything to do with me, well not me, but our family. Is this the fate of my family, to split apart after they mature to take care of themselves? If that's so, then why haven't I left yet? I just want them to tell me they love me... Now not like "I'm in love with you.." But that sibling love where you care for each other, they say it to me every time I see them, but I just can't say it back. I always just say "You too" etc, ways to avoid saying it was a complete sentence and I don't know why. Maybe it's the lack of a connection and understanding.

Now John, my dad's son. He would be my step-brother, I've seen him a total of maybe five times my whole life. His graduation(When I was 7) When he visited when I was 4, his wedding when I was 15... Okay three times and yet I feel like I have a better connection with him than Christina and Frank(My half siblings, yet I consider them full blood since I've known them since birth) Jennifer... Oh Jennifer, I've talked to her three times and I'll never consider her my sister. She's fighting with Charlie over whatever their issue is and she stopped calling me because she found out him and I were speaking, I'm staying out of that mess. Now Charlie's wife: Josephine. She has kids. They're all in their late 30's and whenever I talk to Charlie he always mentions "Oh your brother and sister this and that"... How could I call them my siblings, I've never met them, I have no connection with them, they'd be step-siblings if anything, yet... For them to be step siblings I'd have to consider Charlie my father, which I don't and probably will never do.
There are a lot of people I could consider my siblings in this world... six to be exact, whether they be half siblings or step, but the small factor is... Their still is no connection.

My cousins, the closest one I'm too is Davis and we're not even related... My mom's brothers and her have a "good relationship" yet they never speak and are always trying to one-up each other with their kids (sibling rivalry?) So I barely talk to any of their kids or my uncles... I've only talked to Davis and his family, people who are related to my dad! Not this amazing family that I know my mom has. Maybe I'm being dumb and thinking that I have no connection with these wonderful people, but in my eyes... I really don't. I don't feel anything for them. Sure I'd be worried depending on the situation they get in, but I don't make it apart of my life to think of them a lot; I've actually started considering myself an only child. I'm just confused.. I just long for the connection that I see people have, where they share rooms with their siblings, spend their birthday and holidays together, feel the need to be in their lives in some way, some how, just to be there. I'm not unhappy with my family, I'm perfectly content and I have an amazing relationship. So I know I have love for me and I have love for these people, I just wish ties with my family could be different.

I wish I could walk down the beach with my sister and her three kids. I wish I could go to Karate tournaments with my brother and his daughter, I wish I could have a family dinner with John, his wife and my dad. I wish that on Christmas, I had this list of people I could call and say "Hey, Merry Christmas, I love you!" These people that I wish I could have these relationships with, they've been replaced by my friends and their family (i.e Holly's family. I've called them for every holiday to wish them love...) I want to be able to eat family dinners with my parents, get dressed up and go out with them, watch movies with my mom, do something. I could try talking to my mom about this, but she'd probably say "Doug, you're over-reacting! Let me watch T.V I've had a long day at work" Yet again, this whole thing, I'm probably over-reacting.

I just wish my family ties were stronger than there currently are... I think I can change that, I think I can help them grow.